so tomorrow i'm going to see tamara, my last ex-girlfriend, for the first time in a long time and since we broke up.
it wasn't one of those bad break-ups in the way you imagine, to be honest i don't think i could have imagined it. it happened so quickly i didn't know what to think. but she was unhappy and that's all that matters really. there's always reasons and i know she genuinely cared about me and didn't want to do it, and so looking back on it it's probably the best way it could have happened. if it had to happen at all, anyway.
the thing is, it has been all this time, and she was so much of my life for such a long time, that seeing her again is going to end up being something i'm not sure how i'll react to. there's always going to be a little bit of me that misses her and wants her back, but i know that it didn't work. i'm glad that i have her as a friend and i want that to go on.
the problem is, i can't help wondering whether i want there to be something, an awkwardness, a feeling, anything, just so that something from that time is still there. i know things couldn't go anywhere anyway, especially now, so maybe going there and being friends is what should happen. i can do it, and maybe it'll help bring something to all this that i've been lacking.
maybe it's because i haven't been in a relationship with anyone else, or even been on a date, that i still feel for her. i don't know. i still think about the girlfriend i had before her, and we only went out for a very short time. it's been almost two years since her, and i still think of her from time to time.. maybe there's a part of me that treasures the feelings i've had for people and doesn't want to lose them completely. i just don't see how if you can love someone it can just go.
i'm way too young to worry about this sort of thing, you don't have to tell me.
in other news, i went on rollercoasters today. i'll talk about it later. i just want this post to be my thoughts on loves lost.
today i went to a "festival"1 which was apparently meant to raise awareness of children living in war-stricken countries, and instead showed a couple of bands, some dodgy comedy acts2 and a lot of rain destroying equipment. it wasn't bad when it was actually doing something, but there was a heck of a lot of waiting in the rain. at least i got to see badly drawn boy, and he played the shining which is my favourite bdb song :) the blues/jazz band on first was great also, playing some hendrix hits and bizarrely, a cover of money won't buy me love.
later on, i decided that seeming as if i followed ice hockey i'd support the mighty ducks just for them being totally awesome i would try to find a mighty ducks jersey. but they're way too expensive for me to buy for the sake of it, so i didn't.
i feel weird. i don't know what i'm going to do over the summer. i have to work if i want to come to america, so i guess that's a start. i just know it's not going to be the same as last time. some people won't be as enthusiastic about me coming over, and there are different people i want to see. i just hope i can work it all out and still get excited about it :)
i need a project, or a purpose. i find myself with little to do these days. maybe i'll try writing. or medical research. i don't know.
1 although festival isn't really the word i'd use for a show with one stage and a handful of acts.
2 including, naturally, a juggler.
so i bought the "there there" single today on cd and vinyl, mainly so that i'd have the lovely cover to stick up on my walls. i really like how i've got my room now, i've put up a lot more stuff and it's made everything look a little more like a part of me, so that's good. i'll show pictures soon if i can.
arguments that come out of nowhere are the worst kind. especially when someone gets angry at you for something that you feel was just a throwaway comment, and then you can't convince them that it wasn't intended to hurt.
indiana jones and the last crusade is on, i'm going to melt some chocolate, dip in some salt & vinegar pringles and be unhealthy. see you around kids.
paradossus: I figured out a decent slogan for wetflame.org bumper stickers:
paradossus: The Queen Calls Me Daddy
meteoric songs: hahaha
meteoric songs: that's great
meteoric songs: and i could have a little crown
so i had my hair cut today. it's shorter.
i had a bizarre dream the other night in which i attempted to use contraceptives, but when i did they were wrapped in around a metre square of cling film, and i got so annoyed by trying to unwrap it that i just woke up.
i went to see the matrix on wednesday, and it seems opinion's split on how good it was. i liked it. i liked the whole idea of the keymaker and stuff, but i don't like neo having superpowers. oh sure, he can break the rules of the matrix. but, you know, only when it looks good. he doesn't just turn himself invincible or anything because that wouldn't make a good film. he can fly around at super speeds but only after he's had a lengthy fight. he can stop bullets but not punches. i don't know. i don't know whether people critisise it because it's big or because they genuinely don't like it. i didn't see anything terribly wrong with it, though i would have liked more from it. but how are you going to follow a film like the matrix anyway?
i bought the simian album and, doug take note, a gorillaz dvd with all the promos, storyboards, animatics, short cartoons, interviews and live performances on it, which both rock. i also brought my brother's n64 back to the flat in the hope of getting some 4-player goldeneye going, but two of my flatmates aren't really that bothered. oh well.
i joined friendster so if there's anyone who knows me who is a member let me know! i'll get around to sending emails to my friends soon.
right, i best be off. see you soon.
it really brings me down when it's rainy constantly. i end up getting cooped up inside or, as the case was today, getting soaked through.
apologies for not posting much, but to be honest not much has happened. i'm running out of things to do, places to go and people to talk to. i hope it's temporary.
guess who just got a ticket to the show at the MEN arena?
so happy.
alice, dear sweet boston-habiting alice, rocks mightily. i did not call her when i was in america, and to remedy this, i shall visit her in boston next summer. that is all.
oh, alice - email me! i need to talk to you :)
exams are over, and so is the first year of uni.
it feels good.